Tuesday, August 11, 2009
New Pictures...
...are available at our Google Pictures site (linked to the right). Here's a link for the new album too.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Don't You Occasionally Update This Blog?
As is always the case, much has happened over the past while and this blog is long overdue for an update. For starters, I should mention that Kirsten and I are no longer foster parents. As you may have read in previous posts here we had a pretty challenging experience with our first placement (4 and 1 year old brothers). After working pretty hard at loving those boys while also balancing the needs of our family, particularly as it relates to Samuel, a mutual decision was made by us and our foster care agency worker that the boys should be transferred to another home. This was obviously a very hard decision that I would like to defend, but simply can’t, as I do consider it a failure on our part. In any case, they moved on in late Summer/early Fall and I suppose there is some truth to the notion that we’ve sort of been “recovering” ever since. Unfortunately, the boys’ placement was disruptive in a number of ways. As Kirsten’s work schedule at the time had her sleeping on Sundays after working Saturday overnight, it proved nearly impossible practically for me to attend worship (taking all three boys by myself) with South Street Ministries, the church community we had been connecting to. It also was pretty disruptive, of course, in terms of our family life in ways that we may only now be realizing. Samuel observed a lot of very negative behaviors that he might not have been exposed to otherwise, and he also saw Kirsten and I really struggle to respond to those behaviors. I know he heard Mom and Dad raise their voices a lot more than we ever had before, and obviously the overall stress level in the house was greatly heightened. We also made some significant financial decisions, believing we were in it for the long haul (we bought a bigger, more expensive car and took on some additional debt). In the end, though, hard as it was to admit, we had to concede that our efforts to love “the least of these” through fostering simply wasn’t working. We weren’t doing ourselves or Samuel any good, laudable as our good intentions might have been, and it’s possible that we weren’t doing those foster kids much good either as our frustration mounted and our coping and behavior management skills proved ineffective, at best. This doesn’t excuse our decision and I don’t really mean to defend it. I don’t know if this really fully explains it, either, but there you have it.
Since then, we got wrapped up a bit in what for us was very exciting election season and then celebrated the holidays in fairly low-key fashion. Along the way, we marked the passing of Samuel’s 4th birthday with his first “kid party” in our home. That was pretty exciting for Samuel and us though of course a bit hectic too. Other changes have come as well. Kirsten left her job at Hattie Larlham (a residential facility for kids with disabilities; she still picks up shifts there now and then) to return to Akron Children’s Hospital as a staff RN. The resultant change in her work schedule required us to change daycare facilities for Samuel and make what was for me the very huge decision to put Samuel on the bus from daycare to his preschool. So far, Samuel has done pretty well; he loves riding “the yellow school bus,” though there have been a few issues. The assistant on his bus seems to not be the most happy and agreeable fellow to work with, and we suspect that the bus on at least one occasion was starting to drive away without Samuel being fully buckled yet. Samuel was good enough to protest to the degree that it finally came to our attention, and we think/hope/pray it’s been addressed. Also, unfortunately Kirsten went to pick up Samuel one day at the new daycare and found the staff person in his room sleeping along with the kids(!) during nap time; so we’ve had to pull him from that facility and try him at yet another one. Needless to say, then, there’s been a lot of change as of late, some of it good, I’d like to hope, and some of it not so good, and we’ve all been working to recover a sense of equilibrium in the midst of it all.
Recently, Samuel has started exhibiting quite a bit more misbehavior than he ever has before. This has been quite surprising and utterly challenging to us. We never went through any sort of “terrible two’s” with Samuel and up until recently Samuel has been nothing but a delight to parents, teachers, daycare workers, neighbors, and strangers alike. We’ve been good, I think, about telling Samuel that he is a “very, very good boy” from day one, believing that there are no “bad boys,” only bad behavior. We still believe this is the case and still tell him what a good boy he is, but lately there’s been significantly more “bad behavior” too. His preschool teacher suggested that this is simply a developmental phase that every child goes through and hence it is a good thing that Samuel is making his way through it now, if a bit late. That may well be, though I can’t help but wonder how much of it is a response to all the stress we’ve put him through over the past 8 months or so, and so is another occasion for me (Robert) to feel guilty. In any case, we were spared the “terrible two’s,” but, for good or ill, now seem to be contending with the “fearsome four’s.” Even so, Samuel remains a wonderful, delightful, hilariously funny “miracle kid” that we are blessed to call our son, and we thank God for each day with him, fearsome or not.
In other news, Samuel has successfully finished potty-training (with some issues overnight still). That took a bit longer than maybe it "should" have or we would have hoped, but then again when the boys were here we weren't able to give it the attention it required. In any case, this success was rewarded with Samuel's first bicycle, which we were thoughtful enough to give him just as Winter started. Physically, he's doing great and is making real progress developmentally. He still wears leg braces most of the time due to his mild Cerebral Palsy, and he still gets Speech, Occupational Therapy, and Physical Therapy at school, but he's making great progress on all those fronts.
For those of you who faithfully check this blog occasionally after all these years, we thank you. We know that Samuel would not be the wonderful kid he is today without all of your love, support, and prayer. Thanks again...
Since then, we got wrapped up a bit in what for us was very exciting election season and then celebrated the holidays in fairly low-key fashion. Along the way, we marked the passing of Samuel’s 4th birthday with his first “kid party” in our home. That was pretty exciting for Samuel and us though of course a bit hectic too. Other changes have come as well. Kirsten left her job at Hattie Larlham (a residential facility for kids with disabilities; she still picks up shifts there now and then) to return to Akron Children’s Hospital as a staff RN. The resultant change in her work schedule required us to change daycare facilities for Samuel and make what was for me the very huge decision to put Samuel on the bus from daycare to his preschool. So far, Samuel has done pretty well; he loves riding “the yellow school bus,” though there have been a few issues. The assistant on his bus seems to not be the most happy and agreeable fellow to work with, and we suspect that the bus on at least one occasion was starting to drive away without Samuel being fully buckled yet. Samuel was good enough to protest to the degree that it finally came to our attention, and we think/hope/pray it’s been addressed. Also, unfortunately Kirsten went to pick up Samuel one day at the new daycare and found the staff person in his room sleeping along with the kids(!) during nap time; so we’ve had to pull him from that facility and try him at yet another one. Needless to say, then, there’s been a lot of change as of late, some of it good, I’d like to hope, and some of it not so good, and we’ve all been working to recover a sense of equilibrium in the midst of it all.
Recently, Samuel has started exhibiting quite a bit more misbehavior than he ever has before. This has been quite surprising and utterly challenging to us. We never went through any sort of “terrible two’s” with Samuel and up until recently Samuel has been nothing but a delight to parents, teachers, daycare workers, neighbors, and strangers alike. We’ve been good, I think, about telling Samuel that he is a “very, very good boy” from day one, believing that there are no “bad boys,” only bad behavior. We still believe this is the case and still tell him what a good boy he is, but lately there’s been significantly more “bad behavior” too. His preschool teacher suggested that this is simply a developmental phase that every child goes through and hence it is a good thing that Samuel is making his way through it now, if a bit late. That may well be, though I can’t help but wonder how much of it is a response to all the stress we’ve put him through over the past 8 months or so, and so is another occasion for me (Robert) to feel guilty. In any case, we were spared the “terrible two’s,” but, for good or ill, now seem to be contending with the “fearsome four’s.” Even so, Samuel remains a wonderful, delightful, hilariously funny “miracle kid” that we are blessed to call our son, and we thank God for each day with him, fearsome or not.
In other news, Samuel has successfully finished potty-training (with some issues overnight still). That took a bit longer than maybe it "should" have or we would have hoped, but then again when the boys were here we weren't able to give it the attention it required. In any case, this success was rewarded with Samuel's first bicycle, which we were thoughtful enough to give him just as Winter started. Physically, he's doing great and is making real progress developmentally. He still wears leg braces most of the time due to his mild Cerebral Palsy, and he still gets Speech, Occupational Therapy, and Physical Therapy at school, but he's making great progress on all those fronts.
For those of you who faithfully check this blog occasionally after all these years, we thank you. We know that Samuel would not be the wonderful kid he is today without all of your love, support, and prayer. Thanks again...
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Samuel, Mommy, and Santa at "Breakfast With Santa"
I've posted a few recent pictures here in Samuel's blog, but look for many more by following the "Buck Family Pictures" link to the right and then take a look in the "2008- Buck Pictures- Summer, Fall, Christmas" album. Also, look here at his blog soon for an update on what Samuel and the rest of us have been up to for the better part of 2008, including Samuel's recent 4th birthday!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Update
Well this post is long overdue. I thought I'd let everyone know how we're doing as new foster parents for S- and J-. We've been at it now for a little over 2 months, but somehow it feels like an eternity. It was honestly pretty overwhelming to go from having one child to suddenly having three, especially because the two new ones came at different ages with their own well-established patterns of misbehavior, etc. Because Kirsten's works schedule has her gone from 5:45 on three nights a week while she works the overnight shift, it was daunting at first to have to think of putting them all to bed at once by myself, or getting them all up and off to daycare by myself two days a week, or trying to manage them at home on Sundays (and keep them quiet!) while Kirsten sleeps after working the night before. The initial anxiety about having to do all of that has passed, of course, and I think I have a pretty good system in place for handling bedtime and Sundays, and even for taking them all places by myself- like the library and to various events. Remember, too, I'm not talking about three kids that are fully "ours" and who we've raised from birth; I'm talking about one kid like that plus two that showed up at our door one night two months ago at the ages of 4 and 1.
So it's been quite an adjustment- for everyone. I think Samuel has really handled it pretty well. He still has difficulty sharing his toys, house, and parents, but he's learning and seems to have accepted this as the new "normal." One day not too long ago when S- was talking about his mom and was obviously referring to someone other than Kirsten, Samuel said "No, your mom's right there" and pointed to Kirsten. Speaking of S- (the 4-year-old), I think dealing with his behavior has been our biggest challenge. Those behaviors include:
So it's been quite an adjustment- for everyone. I think Samuel has really handled it pretty well. He still has difficulty sharing his toys, house, and parents, but he's learning and seems to have accepted this as the new "normal." One day not too long ago when S- was talking about his mom and was obviously referring to someone other than Kirsten, Samuel said "No, your mom's right there" and pointed to Kirsten. Speaking of S- (the 4-year-old), I think dealing with his behavior has been our biggest challenge. Those behaviors include:
- Occasional physical aggression (hitting, kicking, and the like)
- Frequent property destruction (intentionally breaking toys, books, and almost anything else he can get his hands on)
- Lots of noncompliance (refusing to follow directions, especially for Kirsten, plus running away, not "following the rules," like for bedtime, etc.)
- Odd stuff like putting almost anything in his mouth, literally chewing up his windowsill, licking many non-edible items, etc.
- Lots of "attitude" like laughing while running away when it's time to go to bed or at other times of noncompliance; angrily demanding things, etc.
- Frequent "whining" of a type that seems above and beyond that of a garden-variety 4-year-old
- Some oppositional behavior: "I don't want that no more. I don't want that no more. I DON'T WANT THAT NO MORE." So you say okay and put it away which provokes an immediate "I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"
- A good bit of manipulation, like using having to pee as an escape from bed or nap time, or when in a timeout, etc.
- Constant attention-seeking behavior and understandable jealousy toward Samuel, which we really understand and empathize with, but which is so relentless that it really wears you down.
- Lots of ADHD-like behavior: an inability to attend to simple instructions, extreme distractibility, and physical "busyness" that can be so over the top that he's literally bouncing off the walls, etc.
Of course, S- is modeling all of this for Samuel, and while he's been holding his own pretty well in terms of not following suit with everything S- does, he's still picking some of this misbehavior up, to our great chagrin.
We've seen a ton of improvement from J-, thankfully. When he came to us he would scream at every opportunity- when a limit was set or he was otherwise told "no," when placed in his crib, jumpie, or playpen, etc. Much of that has now waned and he'll play contentedly in his crib before falling asleep. He still struggles with other times when he has to be contained or when limits are set, but he's really come a long way, for which we are very grateful.
All of this has been pretty challenging to us as parents. We find ourselves much more frustrated, impatient, and exhausted than we ever have been, and unfortunately it shows. When it was just us and Samuel we almost never raised our voice or lost our patience or even our temper, but this now happens on an almost daily basis. We're coping, however imperfectly, but we have a lot to learn too, and that's happening more slowly than we might like. The sad part is that while Samuel is learning to share his stuff and his parents, etc., he's also learning a thing or two about Mom and Dad, like our capacity for raising our voice (read: yelling) when our patience is at an end, etc. I did experience a bit of relief and a renewing of my strength to do this- to love as I should- when the other day I remembered (duh!) why I did this in the first place and how I wanted to approach it. I remembered to look for Jesus in S- and J-, to find him in "the least of these" that now sleep under "my" roof every night. I pray that I will look at them with those eyes each and every day.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
The Buck Family, Take 2, and Action!
For those of you who haven't heard, just about two weeks ago our family almost doubled in size. Many of you know we've been working for nearly a year to go through all the training and other requirements to become foster/adoptive parents. Well, after a whole lot of waiting, our license was finally issued by the state. We received that two weeks ago yesterday- on Saturday, June 21st. Two days later, on Monday, June 23rd, we got our first call asking if we wanted to take two boys- S-, age 4, and J-, who was to turn 1 the next day. We said yes, and so for the past two weeks we've been adjusting to life with three children 4 and under, two of them still in diapers. It's been quite challenging for reasons both obvious and perhaps not, but on the whole I think we're doing okay.
We find ourselves having to be hyper-vigilant and having to give almost constant redirection. For the time being, our days of being able to get done what we wanted or needed to while Samuel basically had the run of the house- all the while having the time and energy to give him all the love and attention that he could possibly want- are over. We trust and are working hard to make sure that Samuel gets all the love and attention that he needs, to be sure, but now we have to balance that obviously, with trying to do the same for S- and J-. Samuel and S- are close in age (3 and 4, respectively); so they're learning to play together and share, which is a struggle for both of them. J- is an adorable, happy, chunky one-year-old who does pretty well when allowed to roam (crawl/creep) wherever he wants and do whatever he wants, but he struggles (loudly) when any sort of limits are set, be they physical barriers to movement, or when put down for a nap, or in the playpen or "jumpie" so that we know he's safe for the moment while we tend to something else, etc. For the first two weeks his modus operandi has been to scream whenever he's contained anywhere, or when we try to lay him down to sleep, or when he wakes up from a nap, etc.- and I do mean scream- loudly and incessantly until he's set free, picked up, etc. The obvious guess would be that this is how he learned to get his needs met in his birth family, but obviously it's been tough for us to deal with, and is such a marked contrast to our experience with Samuel.
I think Samuel is adjusting pretty well, considering what a change this is. Again, we trust that on the whole Samuel will be a better person for having had this experience (we hope we all will be), despite how challenging it seems at times. After all, we all have to learn to share and that there are limits to most everything, including time to receive a parent's affection, even if that affection is itself as limitless as possible. I guess that's why we need Jesus. If partners in marriage sometimes struggle upon realizing that their spouse can not be their end all/be all, this is no less true for parents and children. While for the first few years it will certainly seem to the child as if all things- good and bad, I'm afraid, come from parents, even so we can only give Samuel what we ourselves have received from God and one another- be it food, shelter, or love. Samuel is now learning perhaps quicker than he would have otherwise to seek and receive that love from us, but not only from us. Part of our hope in doing this is that Samuel will also learn- more quickly than he would have otherwise- that love can not be kept or contained. It is not a "zero-sum" kind of thing. When it comes to love, the more you give, the more you have, while the more you seek it for yourself and yourself alone, the more elusive it becomes. However Samuel responds to all this we will love him unconditionally and shower him with as much affection and attention as we can muster, along with all the food and shelter he needs. We can only pray that along the way he learns to share not only his toys and his Mom and Dad, but his own love and affection too.
We find ourselves having to be hyper-vigilant and having to give almost constant redirection. For the time being, our days of being able to get done what we wanted or needed to while Samuel basically had the run of the house- all the while having the time and energy to give him all the love and attention that he could possibly want- are over. We trust and are working hard to make sure that Samuel gets all the love and attention that he needs, to be sure, but now we have to balance that obviously, with trying to do the same for S- and J-. Samuel and S- are close in age (3 and 4, respectively); so they're learning to play together and share, which is a struggle for both of them. J- is an adorable, happy, chunky one-year-old who does pretty well when allowed to roam (crawl/creep) wherever he wants and do whatever he wants, but he struggles (loudly) when any sort of limits are set, be they physical barriers to movement, or when put down for a nap, or in the playpen or "jumpie" so that we know he's safe for the moment while we tend to something else, etc. For the first two weeks his modus operandi has been to scream whenever he's contained anywhere, or when we try to lay him down to sleep, or when he wakes up from a nap, etc.- and I do mean scream- loudly and incessantly until he's set free, picked up, etc. The obvious guess would be that this is how he learned to get his needs met in his birth family, but obviously it's been tough for us to deal with, and is such a marked contrast to our experience with Samuel.
I think Samuel is adjusting pretty well, considering what a change this is. Again, we trust that on the whole Samuel will be a better person for having had this experience (we hope we all will be), despite how challenging it seems at times. After all, we all have to learn to share and that there are limits to most everything, including time to receive a parent's affection, even if that affection is itself as limitless as possible. I guess that's why we need Jesus. If partners in marriage sometimes struggle upon realizing that their spouse can not be their end all/be all, this is no less true for parents and children. While for the first few years it will certainly seem to the child as if all things- good and bad, I'm afraid, come from parents, even so we can only give Samuel what we ourselves have received from God and one another- be it food, shelter, or love. Samuel is now learning perhaps quicker than he would have otherwise to seek and receive that love from us, but not only from us. Part of our hope in doing this is that Samuel will also learn- more quickly than he would have otherwise- that love can not be kept or contained. It is not a "zero-sum" kind of thing. When it comes to love, the more you give, the more you have, while the more you seek it for yourself and yourself alone, the more elusive it becomes. However Samuel responds to all this we will love him unconditionally and shower him with as much affection and attention as we can muster, along with all the food and shelter he needs. We can only pray that along the way he learns to share not only his toys and his Mom and Dad, but his own love and affection too.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
New Pictures!
By the way, there's a BUNCH of new pictures on our Google picture site; so be sure to follow the link on the right.
"I obey Daddy!"
As a 3-year-old, naturally discipline is an ever-growing issue with Samuel. Of course, we try to use "positive discipline" as much as possible with lots of praise and lots of "catching him being good." We also use time-outs, typically up to 3 minutes on the couch, with the oven timer going so he knows to "listen for the beep-beep." So far this has been quite effective, especially when used in concert with "1-2-3 Magic," a strategy I learned at work. It's very simple and basically boils down to this: in a situation where Samuel is misbehaving or is about to, I tell him, "Samuel you have until 3 to..." whatever he's being asked to do/not to do. I start counting and Samuel knows when I get to 3 if he hasn't complied he will have a time-out on the couch (an immediate and consistent consequence after 3 that's supposed to lead to the "magic"- obedience). Speaking of obedience, we've also been introducing the concept and language of obedience to Samuel, and he knows that this is listening/complying with what we're telling him to do. Well, on a number of occasions, including this morning, when we've gotten to the point of counting him out, he's done what he's been asked to do by 3, and as soon as he has he gets a big, big smile on his face and exclaims "I obey(ed) Daddy/Momma!" and starts jumping and clapping excitedly. Naturally we join him in the chorus.
We also had a milestone this morning as Samuel "peed in the potty-chair" for the first time, which is something we've been working on for a very long time. He earned a sucker as a reward and hopefully this will be the start of a trend!
We also had a milestone this morning as Samuel "peed in the potty-chair" for the first time, which is something we've been working on for a very long time. He earned a sucker as a reward and hopefully this will be the start of a trend!
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